Tuesday, October 24, 2017


It's nearing the end of October. Our move is in exactly ONE MONTH! In one month I need to pack, clean, sell, organize, prioritize... And move 1100 miles away, back to where it all began in Arizona. My husband still doesn't want to move and I feel like we keep having the same conversations on repeat. I finally broke down and told him how I feel each time he tells me how miserable he will be in the heat. Although I understand how hot it gets (having lived there for 12 years) and how the heat just drains energy out of you, especially stuck in traffic, and now with a baby. But I am not moving for the heat. I am moving for the future of my family. To go back to school, being able to provide a better life for my daughter and any future children we may have. To be around family, I want Ryleigh to know what it's like having family dinners, holidays, and just having that support and love that comes with family being able to attend your birthdays and school events.

But when he tells me how miserable he is going to be... I feel like I am doing something wrong. That my excitement about having family around is silly. I wish he could understand what it's like to miss family. I get that he isn't close to them, but it's not how I grew up. Even in a divorced family I still cherish the moments I spent with both of my parents. Traveling between houses, having to attend multiple family functions in one day. It's what I am used to and therefore have come to enjoy. Now, I am no longer close to my dad, being that he's on the East Coast and we are out West. But I still hold onto those memories. Hoping that Ryleigh wont have to bounce around, but that she knows what traditions and family bonding is like.

We will be around my Mom, Step Dad, adopted brothers and sisters, brother, sister in law, Nana, and cousin. Now with the families growing and changing I am looking forward to Ryleigh having cousins and siblings to share the holidays with. Family is important to me. And I hope someday my husband can see it too.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

4.5 Months

These updates are mostly for me to look back on when I begin to create Ryleigh's baby book. ;-)

Ryleigh's 4 month update (Weight & height update on Friday)
*********Weight: 14.10 lbs Height: 24.25"************

Social: Ryleigh giggles at EVERYTHING! Everyone, every sound, every toy, ...Possibly every ghost... (sometimes she laughs at an empty space... here's to hoping it's one of our grandfathers saying hello.) She is a giggler and laugher and a talker a good 80% of the time. The rest is teething, which is handy that she has discovered how to put EVERYTHING in her mouth. Toys, hands, hair... It's time to baby proof!

Rolling / Movement: She has discovered, not only how to roll from her belly to her back, but also from her back over to her belly. Which has made diaper changes a hoot and a half for sure! The second I lay her down she rolls right back over. (Good bye changing table, hello floor and sore back) She actually started doing this the day before she turned 4 months on September 28th. She has also discovered that on her back she can spin herself in a circle. I think after she gets lost because she starts freaking out wondering where her toys went.

Sleeping: As for sleeping... We are struggling BIG TIME with her crib. We are both having separation anxiety when it comes to bed time. For about a week she stayed in her crib until at least 3 am, going down around 8:30. Lately, (maybe because of the teething) she has started only wanting to sleep on me or in her swing. I need a hero, miracle, will power? ANYTHING to help both of us survive this transition from Mommy's bed / bassinet by the bed to her crib!

Eating: She is up to 6-8 oz of formula every 4-6 hours. And sometimes a snack or two of 4 oz in between. We are starting to introduce baby cereal this month, just before she turns 5 months old. Today experimenting with the spoon, which it turns out she thinks is a fun new toy, and also that she really enjoys yogurt. Another new development this month is bottle holding. She has figured out how to hold her bottle as well as how to tip it back to get all the milk out.

Sizes: My once 5.15 oz baby is predominantly in 6 month sizes! She's getting so big and filling out with little baby rolls.

I cannot imagine life without this little girl. I still can't believe it has been 4 months already. How much she has grown and learned in such a short time.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Snow to Sand

The smoke has finally cleared in the Montana air. The snow on the mountains is visible and beautiful.  Even though it is only September, we had snow falling for two days, not enough to stick, but enough to assist in putting out the fires that have been polluting the normally clean air quality. It's calming and fresh and wonderful. We love this beautiful state. It's not over crowded, the people are relatively friendly, and all in all it's a great place to raise a family...

Only if you make a great deal of money and can afford it. Child care costs are around $900 for infants, rent average is closer to $1200, they are dog friendly unless you rent, and the wages cannot keep up to support a family, even with both parents working. As much as we love this beautiful state we live in one of the most expensive counties in Montana. And therefore are saying gooodbye and headed south again. Back to where it all began in Arizona.

A bittersweet move to say the least. We love our friends and have amazing employers, making saying goodbye difficult. But our families are south. For the benefit of our daughter and ourselves in the long run, Arizona is where we need to be. This seems to be a struggle for my husband to wrap his brain around. He has made a life here in the last 5 years, hates the desert heat and over population of the Phoenix area, and really hates the heat, lol. I'm reminding him it's not permanent, we can come back when we can afford the lifestyle we want to live out here. But living paycheck to two weeks before paycheck when you have a 3 month old is not ideal. We make too much (before taxes) to qualify for any type of assistance. Ryleigh gets to come to work with me until she is 6 months old. Which is wonderful, except for the fact that she will be 6 months after Thanksgiving. Not only can I not swing the money to put her in care, I can't afford to stay home either... Hense another reason for the move. My parents wil take her during the day, I can go back to school, and we can pay off the debt I have accumulated over the last few years. I can see where he doesn't want to start over at a new company, however, it is what's best for our family at the moment.

Shooting for the first week of December, we will be packing up our vehicles and moving south with a kitty and baby in tow. It's already September... I'm getting nervous.

Friday, August 4, 2017

2 Month Old

Oh-Em-Goodness, I have a 2 month old already! These have been the longest days & nights... And yet they have flown by so quickly. We now have a baby who smiles, babbles, notices colors, sounds, and people, eats like crazy, and has slept through the night nearly every day this week! She is growing so much and I am both incredibly excited and incredibly sad. She's no longer my 5lbs new born but my almost 11lbs (probably more now) baby! It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows. There have been 3 formula changes, blowouts due to being too big for NB diapers and too small for size 1's, colicky screams like clockwork that start around 4:30 PM - 8 PM, and spitting up all over the place after almost every bottle.
But she is growing so quickly and I am in awe of her every day.
I am not loving my IUD and am having it removed. Bleeding forever, cramping that is becoming painful... Yeah SO done. It also doesn't prevent ovulation... And I would like to not have another baby right now, though it is supposed to thin the uterine lining to prevent implantation. But the bleeding and pain are not worth the 5 year (supposed) protection. I'm going back to the pill, which I know prevents ovulation and will also prevent cysts from returning.
As for the Lexa Pro... I do not feel anxious anymore, however, I don't feel like myself anymore. I just feel...Blah. I've also developed dizziness and headaches. Seeing the doctor next Friday. Hoping for some answers. Maybe I need an all natural approach.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Postpartum Anxiety

Postpartum Anxiety is very much so a real thing.

I recall reading and hearing about Postpartum Depression before and during my pregnancy. It seemed it was all people really spoke about after their child was born. I honestly thought I would end up depressed and upset after Ryleigh was born and that I would hate her and my new life... because let's face it, there isn't enough talk about exactly what it is and how there are different feelings and thoughts that accompany it. OR that you won't get it at all and instead wind up with anxiety so bad you feel like a racing heart and quick breathing is normal.

During my 6 week PP appointment, I was asked to take a brief survey about my postpartum mental health. Apparently scoring a 19 is not a good thing, because I then found myself with counselors calling my cell phone and an anti-depression / anxiety medication on standby at my local CVS, Lexapro to be exact. Now, I have a legitimate fear of medication side effects... So I feel quite hesitant to take them. I know that I have essentially exhausted trying to talk it out and I can't calm down enough to meditate... And seriously I am a new mom who also works full time; Who has time to meditate? I barely have time to poop! I'd love to exercise but yet again, no time and I cherish the little sleep my daughter allows me to get. So here we are at door number 4 and here I am reading, researching, and hoping I am of those few who report a positive change as well as zero side effects.

I haven't gotten an exact diagnosis as to whether  I have depression as well or just PP Anxiety. Supposedly Lexapro does well with both. Yet, the reviews for using it to treat anxiety are much more common than those who were using it for depression.

I'll do my best to try and post my experience with the Lexapro. For that off chance someone does find my post and is wondering the same thing! All I know for sure is that I am ready to fix this hot mess anxiety I have going on.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

I just want to shower!

It has been quite a bit since the little one was born. We had Ryleigh's check up yesterday. It was supposed to be a 4 week check up, however with the holiday weekend being last week, we had it yesterday instead. At 5 weeks and 4 days old she is now 8 lbs 15 oz and 21 1/4" long. Her birth weight was 5.15 and she was 19" long. It's funny to think that at just over a month old she is weighing what a lot of babies weigh at birth... Essentially there are newborns born today that are bigger than my peanut. lol. But with no concerns from the DR, we are good to go. :-)

As I write this I have been fighting with my daughter about her nap... This has been going on since 9 am since she got me up at 6. It is now 11:30 and she has just now been tricked into taking a nap. Dark living room, baby swing with music and rocking, and the running fan keeping her cool. Every so often she realizes she had fallen asleep and wakes up very suddenly and looks rather offended that she was so easily tricked into a nap. Of course, the real trick is, she was yawning and fussy. But ya know, she's only a month old.

I am loving how alert she is now. She is curious about her surroundings and loves to make eye contact when you're talking to her. So far I haven't gotten an non-reflex smile, but I am hoping that comes soon. Tummy time is quite entertaining to watch and shes responding to turning her head side to side really well when I dangle a noisy toy near her.

Now here are my thoughts of the day:
1, How different my life has been now that I cheer on poops and gas. "Good job!" "Push it out!" "You got this baby girl!" -OMG

2. How can my husband sleep through her screams? I swear if I were a dog you would see my ears go up as soon as the made a tiny squeak, let alone a cry,

3. When the hell will my wedding rings fit again?! I can only get them to my knuckle... Resizing is pricy.

4. That lovely dark line down my now tiger striped stomach... It wasn't cute during the pregnancy and it's not cute now.

5. There needs to be better understanding and support between moms. Apparently bottle feeding and epidurals are work of the devil... Who knew? If you breast feed, good for you! If you breast feed and supplement, Winning your kid is getting the vitamins and nutrients missing from breast milk... Like Vitamin D. You bottle feed? That's great! Baby is probably stays full longer and anyone can feed them! See moms? Be worried when someone isn't feeding their child, not how they are feeding them. And my epidural... I experienced 36 hours of labor pains and was very angry and wanting to cuss out everyone around me... After epidural, pains were gone, I got to talk to people, ask questions, and guess what? 27 minutes of pushing and boom, no vacuum or assistance needed, my baby girl arrived. So,,, Screw you and the screaming horse you rode in on. :P

Sunday, June 4, 2017

A Baby Story

12 am on May 28th,

We returned to our apartment after a long day of helping our Montana family move. (Well... My husband helped them move I mostly got a tan.) And then sitting around and talking and catching up. With questions like "You look like you're going to pop! Is she coming soon?" Nope, three weeks to go until we meet our little girl.

We get to sleep and I am up with (TMI) loose bowel movements and a bit of nausea... Maybe I just got too much sun or was on my feet too long, NBD.

The entire day I was up off and on with menstrual like cramping and now I am thinking "Maybe I shouldn't have moved the bookshelf into our room by myself." They began coming randomly, some 6 minutes apart, others 20, and then back to 6. With no pattern forming I decided they were false labor pains and that I was probably just dehydrated.

Now it is 7 PM and I am keeping track of when these "Practice" contractions hit.
7:48, 7:55, 7:58, 8:02, 8:06, 8:15, 8:24 .... So of course like any grown woman, I call my mother who is 1100 miles away in Arizona. She is a nurse so aside from just being my go-to for life, she actually knows what she is talking about in the medical department. While on the phone she is sort of keeping track, in a 5 minute conversation I had had two contractions. She suggests that I call the Doctor and be seen, just in case. We get off the phone and then 8:55, 9:00, 9:11... I finally catch a longer break and call the Doctor. All the while a couple more hit as she asks if I can talk through the pain.

Of course I can talk through it... I have to. I don't want to, but I have to.

She suggests I wait an hour and if they get worse to call again and come in to Labor and Delivery. I'm three weeks early and they are probably false labor pains. Of course they don't exactly get worse, but they don't get better either. I call back and tell them "This hurts, I am coming in."

Now 11 PM

The usual routine. Whats the pain on a scale of 1-10? Can you try and pee in this cup? (Dude... I can't see down there, so I will go with NO I CANNOT PEE IN THIS DAMN CUP!) Seriously if you can, go you, cuz I missed, lol!

They check my cervix and I am only 2cm... Well that's one more than I was on Wednesday, so that's good I guess. They conclude that I am probably dehydrated and have me down a lot of water and walk around until the pain passes. They'd check again in an hour.

The pain was so bad I could not walk around the room as much as I tired and with each contraction I wanted to puke, so the water remained on the table. When they came back in the room I was curled up on the bed, forgetting how to breathe through the pain. In through my nose... and apparently hold until it passes, yeah don't do that you'll get dizzy.

They check again and I am close to 4 cm after an hour. "Well, we are admitting you and you'll probably have your baby by tomorrow morning. Are you going to want an epidural?" YES PLEASE!
I get the epidural and it unfortunately slows down the dilating process, I don't care at this point since it helps me fall asleep for a little while.

May 29th
 I wake up at 5am and they check again; looks like you're a 6 now! Our family in Montana come in to visit and the mom will be staying with me during labor while my mother is on Facetime. My husband and Montana Mom's husband go to our apartment and collect things for the hospital bag that I was not prepared for. We call them quickly and tell them to hurry back because they check again and I am at an 8 but my water hasn't broken yet.

The doctor breaks it and the rest is a bit of a blur. My husband up by my head refusing to look anywhere but at my forehead and trying to ignore the poop, who we call our Montana mom next to him holding one of my legs, the LD nurse to my right, and the Doctor who realizes after 23 minutes of pushing that she should probably get her gloves on because here comes the baby.

The epidural was amazing however, it prevented me from feeling where to push. Apparently I was doing it right, but I still couldn't tell. It all happened so quickly that before I knew it...

At 1:35 PM Ryleigh Arya was born and I was crying uncontrollably. Looking at my husband, looking at our baby girl covered in yucky stuff. The most beautiful gross little alien I have ever seen. And at 5 lbs 15 oz and 19" long, she's mine.


It's nearing the end of October. Our move is in exactly ONE MONTH! In one month I need to pack, clean, sell, organize, prioritize... And...