Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Postpartum Anxiety


Postpartum Anxiety is very much so a real thing.

I recall reading and hearing about Postpartum Depression before and during my pregnancy. It seemed it was all people really spoke about after their child was born. I honestly thought I would end up depressed and upset after Ryleigh was born and that I would hate her and my new life... because let's face it, there isn't enough talk about exactly what it is and how there are different feelings and thoughts that accompany it. OR that you won't get it at all and instead wind up with anxiety so bad you feel like a racing heart and quick breathing is normal.


During my 6 week PP appointment, I was asked to take a brief survey about my postpartum mental health. Apparently scoring a 19 is not a good thing, because I then found myself with counselors calling my cell phone and an anti-depression / anxiety medication on standby at my local CVS, Lexapro to be exact. Now, I have a legitimate fear of medication side effects... So I feel quite hesitant to take them. I know that I have essentially exhausted trying to talk it out and I can't calm down enough to meditate... And seriously I am a new mom who also works full time; Who has time to meditate? I barely have time to poop! I'd love to exercise but yet again, no time and I cherish the little sleep my daughter allows me to get. So here we are at door number 4 and here I am reading, researching, and hoping I am of those few who report a positive change as well as zero side effects.

I haven't gotten an exact diagnosis as to whether  I have depression as well or just PP Anxiety. Supposedly Lexapro does well with both. Yet, the reviews for using it to treat anxiety are much more common than those who were using it for depression.

I'll do my best to try and post my experience with the Lexapro. For that off chance someone does find my post and is wondering the same thing! All I know for sure is that I am ready to fix this hot mess anxiety I have going on.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

I just want to shower!

It has been quite a bit since the little one was born. We had Ryleigh's check up yesterday. It was supposed to be a 4 week check up, however with the holiday weekend being last week, we had it yesterday instead. At 5 weeks and 4 days old she is now 8 lbs 15 oz and 21 1/4" long. Her birth weight was 5.15 and she was 19" long. It's funny to think that at just over a month old she is weighing what a lot of babies weigh at birth... Essentially there are newborns born today that are bigger than my peanut. lol. But with no concerns from the DR, we are good to go. :-)


As I write this I have been fighting with my daughter about her nap... This has been going on since 9 am since she got me up at 6. It is now 11:30 and she has just now been tricked into taking a nap. Dark living room, baby swing with music and rocking, and the running fan keeping her cool. Every so often she realizes she had fallen asleep and wakes up very suddenly and looks rather offended that she was so easily tricked into a nap. Of course, the real trick is, she was yawning and fussy. But ya know, she's only a month old.

I am loving how alert she is now. She is curious about her surroundings and loves to make eye contact when you're talking to her. So far I haven't gotten an non-reflex smile, but I am hoping that comes soon. Tummy time is quite entertaining to watch and shes responding to turning her head side to side really well when I dangle a noisy toy near her.

Now here are my thoughts of the day:
1, How different my life has been now that I cheer on poops and gas. "Good job!" "Push it out!" "You got this baby girl!" -OMG

2. How can my husband sleep through her screams? I swear if I were a dog you would see my ears go up as soon as the made a tiny squeak, let alone a cry,

3. When the hell will my wedding rings fit again?! I can only get them to my knuckle... Resizing is pricy.

4. That lovely dark line down my now tiger striped stomach... It wasn't cute during the pregnancy and it's not cute now.

5. There needs to be better understanding and support between moms. Apparently bottle feeding and epidurals are work of the devil... Who knew? If you breast feed, good for you! If you breast feed and supplement, Winning your kid is getting the vitamins and nutrients missing from breast milk... Like Vitamin D. You bottle feed? That's great! Baby is probably stays full longer and anyone can feed them! See moms? Be worried when someone isn't feeding their child, not how they are feeding them. And my epidural... I experienced 36 hours of labor pains and was very angry and wanting to cuss out everyone around me... After epidural, pains were gone, I got to talk to people, ask questions, and guess what? 27 minutes of pushing and boom, no vacuum or assistance needed, my baby girl arrived. So,,, Screw you and the screaming horse you rode in on. :P

Sunday, June 4, 2017

A Baby Story

12 am on May 28th,

We returned to our apartment after a long day of helping our Montana family move. (Well... My husband helped them move I mostly got a tan.) And then sitting around and talking and catching up. With questions like "You look like you're going to pop! Is she coming soon?" Nope, three weeks to go until we meet our little girl.

We get to sleep and I am up with (TMI) loose bowel movements and a bit of nausea... Maybe I just got too much sun or was on my feet too long, NBD.

The entire day I was up off and on with menstrual like cramping and now I am thinking "Maybe I shouldn't have moved the bookshelf into our room by myself." They began coming randomly, some 6 minutes apart, others 20, and then back to 6. With no pattern forming I decided they were false labor pains and that I was probably just dehydrated.

Now it is 7 PM and I am keeping track of when these "Practice" contractions hit.
7:48, 7:55, 7:58, 8:02, 8:06, 8:15, 8:24 .... So of course like any grown woman, I call my mother who is 1100 miles away in Arizona. She is a nurse so aside from just being my go-to for life, she actually knows what she is talking about in the medical department. While on the phone she is sort of keeping track, in a 5 minute conversation I had had two contractions. She suggests that I call the Doctor and be seen, just in case. We get off the phone and then 8:55, 9:00, 9:11... I finally catch a longer break and call the Doctor. All the while a couple more hit as she asks if I can talk through the pain.

Of course I can talk through it... I have to. I don't want to, but I have to.

She suggests I wait an hour and if they get worse to call again and come in to Labor and Delivery. I'm three weeks early and they are probably false labor pains. Of course they don't exactly get worse, but they don't get better either. I call back and tell them "This hurts, I am coming in."

Now 11 PM

The usual routine. Whats the pain on a scale of 1-10? Can you try and pee in this cup? (Dude... I can't see down there, so I will go with NO I CANNOT PEE IN THIS DAMN CUP!) Seriously if you can, go you, cuz I missed, lol!

They check my cervix and I am only 2cm... Well that's one more than I was on Wednesday, so that's good I guess. They conclude that I am probably dehydrated and have me down a lot of water and walk around until the pain passes. They'd check again in an hour.

The pain was so bad I could not walk around the room as much as I tired and with each contraction I wanted to puke, so the water remained on the table. When they came back in the room I was curled up on the bed, forgetting how to breathe through the pain. In through my nose... and apparently hold until it passes, yeah don't do that you'll get dizzy.

They check again and I am close to 4 cm after an hour. "Well, we are admitting you and you'll probably have your baby by tomorrow morning. Are you going to want an epidural?" YES PLEASE!
I get the epidural and it unfortunately slows down the dilating process, I don't care at this point since it helps me fall asleep for a little while.

May 29th
 I wake up at 5am and they check again; looks like you're a 6 now! Our family in Montana come in to visit and the mom will be staying with me during labor while my mother is on Facetime. My husband and Montana Mom's husband go to our apartment and collect things for the hospital bag that I was not prepared for. We call them quickly and tell them to hurry back because they check again and I am at an 8 but my water hasn't broken yet.

The doctor breaks it and the rest is a bit of a blur. My husband up by my head refusing to look anywhere but at my forehead and trying to ignore the poop, who we call our Montana mom next to him holding one of my legs, the LD nurse to my right, and the Doctor who realizes after 23 minutes of pushing that she should probably get her gloves on because here comes the baby.

The epidural was amazing however, it prevented me from feeling where to push. Apparently I was doing it right, but I still couldn't tell. It all happened so quickly that before I knew it...

At 1:35 PM Ryleigh Arya was born and I was crying uncontrollably. Looking at my husband, looking at our baby girl covered in yucky stuff. The most beautiful gross little alien I have ever seen. And at 5 lbs 15 oz and 19" long, she's mine.






Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Uncharted Waters

I sit in my office chair, feeling my unborn daughter move and kick and press against me (sorry Mommy has a small torso baby girl), reading pregnancy, parenting, and birth blogs. Anxiously and not so patiently trying to get through these next few weeks by reading, writing, and trying to find the funnier and lighter side of posts because, lets face it, we all know what is possible and I do not wish to worry about that right now. I want to read about the 4 am sleep walking and eating a pop tart because it just couldn't wait 3 more hours until the alarm went off. I want to hear about getting excited about balancing a cup or a plate on your belly for the first time. (Totally happened recently! :-) )

I am nervous and excited and antsy and a million different things. When will she be here? Will I go early? Will I go late? Will I have a short or long labor? Will my mom be able to get on a plane in time?

Oh-so many questions and it's hard when your family lives 1100 miles away in Arizona. I'm also working all the way up until my due date (Half days starting the 30th of this month). Which is helpful and at least if I go into labor at work, we are super close to the hospital and I have an amazing support system with my coworkers.

The reason I can't stop thinking about it, relax, and just enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy... When, where, and how are all out of my control. This is unknown, uncharted, waters I am entering here and I am scared.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Maybe theres a way?

"Just stay home with her, it's much cheaper than spending money on child care."

A phrase all expectant moms have heard at some point. And if it was an option I would gladly stay home with my little girl! Yes, I am all too familiar with the cost of child care. I worked in Day Cares for 5 years and now I work for a company who helps parents who can't afford child care with scholarships. Now here is the kicker... I can't afford child care either! Just in the eyes of the state of Montana, you can't make more than $2520 GROSS a month for a family of three and still qualify for child care assistance. Which is just ridiculous and needs to be reevaluated considering the average cost of rent out here is about $1100.

Also, if your household runs like mine does, my check matters. My husband makes a decent amount but not nearly enough to cover all of our bills, plus groceries and things of that nature, all on his own. Yet ONE of my paychecks is the cost of child care for an infant. So what is a working mom to do? Work a second job? But then I miss my child growing up. Stay home? Well, then we won't have insurance. And there is never a "right time" to have a child, they are expensive regardless of timing and we are a blue collar family.

I have been given the opportunity to become a part of a healthy living company. Which I can do on top of my current 8-5, as well as sharing the joy of these products by helping people switch to chemical free cleaning, lotions, soaps, and all and all healthier life styles because this company offers everything!

I've never been the type of person who can blindly follow anything. There are things that I love and would recommend in a heart beat and there are things that I don't care for and don't find them to be special. Yet the key to selling (I guess) is to act like this is the best thing on God's green Earth and that you are crazy if you don't have it in your life. Yeah... I won't do that. But I can tell you if I back something up, you can take that straight to the bank!

And I will tell you this... It's WAY cheaper than stores, great for moms that try and avoid taking their littles to the store, and it's stuff you buy anyway! Just with the convenience of being brought to your door step. Every one is on a healthy living kick; so why not continue with products you would normally buy?

So stay tuned, keep reading, and if you're curious send me your email!

Monday, May 8, 2017

Odd Thoughts of a New Mom

So I suppose my title doesn't match my current involvement with Motherhood, although it will in the near future. My thoughts aren't all that "Odd Yet" but lack of sleep has become a new "symptom" of pregnancy, so I do promise that my thoughts will get odder. In the mean time I am getting up 5 - 6 times a night to pee, get a drink, or see what my cat wants me to see at 4 am... Stealing all of my hubby's pillows to keep elevated so I can breathe and also so I wont throw up everywhere, yay acid reflux!

Now my not-so-odd thought from my hospital adventure on Saturday is as follows:

They showed me that lovely little chart of what dilation looks like; ATM I appear to be the size of a... Fruit Loop? Not quite Cheerio and not quite Live Saver so I suppose Fruit Loop works. Now I'm staring at this chart now wondering why I don't remember learning about where exactly the cervix is...

"Did they teach that in Health Class? Was I sick that day? Why don't I know this?!"
 
As well as
 
"Why does the one they want me to get to look so big and scary? Like a doughnut?! How big is my baby's head? How the hell do I push a head out of me? What if her head is bigger than that doughnut hole?"
 
This is terrifying and I have about 30 something days left to freak out about it. So I've got that going for me. I also freaked out my husband when he came home from work and the entire apartment EVERY. SINGLE. ROOM. and square inch was scrubbed, washed, bleached, cleaned, vacuumed, dusted, and the clothes, blankets, sheets were all washed. I heard him udder the phrase "Who are you and what did you do with my wife?" As I was standing in the closet hanging up clothes. I can see his confusion... I despise folding and hanging clothes. It hurts my back, it's time consuming, and all in all just plain unnecessary. I'm just going to take them all down tomorrow when I can't decide what to wear and try each shirt I own on. But it had to be done. And I felt much better knowing that everything was fresh and clean and ready for the work week. Some call it nesting... I just call it Sunday Cleaning.
 
 



I Hate Waiting!

Image result for i hate waiting princess bride

On Saturday at 34 weeks +1 day, I began feeling a horrible aching in my lower back. No position I changed to, no amount of heat applied, NOTHING helped to relieve it. After 2 hours of it coming and going I decided to call the Doctor. I went in and of course the pain stopped! Great... Thanks... Why is that a thing? I swear I was in pain all that morning! And now suddenly I'm OK, just tired. And Ryleigh is healthy and happy and wiggling around trying to get comfortable.

They came to the conclusion that it is probably kidney stones... And found out I'm also dilated about 1.5 cm. Well, that's good to know. I believe I have entered the part of first time pregnancy where every pain, new symptom, or lack of movement from my girl, will cause me to freak out and want to go into the doctor. Better safe than sorry I suppose.

We still have 6 weeks to go until my due date. And thankfully I am now having DR appointments every week. That does ease my anxiety a bit however, now I am curious about labor. And like the cable guy we can expect she will be here any time between 10 am today through the end of June. :-)

Postpartum Anxiety

Postpartum Anxiety is very much so a real thing. I recall reading and hearing about Postpartum Depression before and during my pregnancy....